See Me Now
by Dior Crystal
Summary: Grimmjow just wants Ulquiorra to notice him. Is that too much to ask? AU-ish. Yaoi. UlquiGrimm.
1. Part 1

If you want to ask me a question, don't ask me how I fell in love with, of all people, Ulquiorra Cifer.

Okay?

Just don't.

Because I honestly don't know.

I wouldn't know how to start explaining this to you. I guess that one day I found myself looking at him and thinking that he was attractive. And just like that, I started having an obsession with him. Slowly but surely, he started haunting my thoughts, and pretty soon after that, my dreams. I can't stop thinking about him, no matter how hard I try. I know what you are all thinking; Ulquiorra is a cold son of a bitch with absolutely no heart. But it's my cross to bear, so shut the fuck up.

I just don't understand how one day I could hate him and the next thing I know, I fall in love with the bastard.

It's just not logical.

But that's emotions for you, yeah? It sucks. It confuses you, devours you, eats away at you. If I had it my way, emotions would never have existed. All it does is complicates things. People are always telling you that falling in love is great and all that shit, right? Well, here is the truth, so listen good:

Love sucks. Especially unrequited love.

The whole time I have been in love with Ulquiorra up till now, I have felt nothing but pain. I would gladly choose to be slashed up by that substitute shinigami, Ichigo Kurosaki, than have to face rejection from Ulquiorra Cifer. Than to see those emerald orbs look down at me. It's just less painful that way. Do you have any idea what it feels like to be invisible? To have that person regard you as nothing more than trash – useless? To have that person HATE you? No? Well then, I'd like to see you try falling in love then. See what it feels like. If you come back and tell me that it is all flowers and sunshine, I will call you a liar.

I will tell you exactly how it feels like.

It feels like dying.

It's like having that person reach into your chest and pull out your still beating heart. That's how it feels like. And in a way, with every encounter I have with Ulquiorra, I "die" every single day. Sounds like fun to you? No? Then don't fall in love. Because you will just end up feeling fucked up. Like me.

I am in the meeting hall right now. Aizen is yakking away as usual. About what, I haven't the faintest idea. I think it has something to do with that damned substitute shinigami breaking into Las Noches. If you ask me, that boy is an idiot. Breaking into an enemy's lair which is FULL of soldiers isn't the brightest thing in the world to do.

I drum my fingers on the table.

Don't look at him.

Don't look at him.

Damn it, Grimmjow, don't LOOK at him.

But I do anyways. I can't help myself. I'm weak, I know. I slowly lift my sapphire eyes to rest them on a very familiar person sitting in front of me.

Ulquiorra Cifer.

He is paying rapt attention to Aizen. No surprise there. He makes no sign that he has noticed me. I look back down. Of course. I am invisible to you, aren't I, Ulquiorra? No matter what I do, it is like I don't exist to you. It's always like that. Even when I am standing right in front of you and talking to you, it's like I don't exist. You do acknowledge my presence when I talk to you. But, the way you regard me as something so unimportant and under you makes me feel insignificant. So small, so minuscule. Like I don't exist. You just don't care whether I am there or not.

"Grimmjow."

I look up. Aizen doesn't look pleased. Yes, he is smiling, but behind that smile lies anger and annoyance at being so plainly ignored. "Yes, Aizen-sama." I feel like gagging. I hate calling him that. But it is either that or be killed. I rather like not being dead. I know I am dead now. What I meant is dead _dead_.

"I have assigned you and Ulquiorra to stop Ichigo Kurosaki's movements."

I perk up at hearing this. Me and Ulquiorra working together? Maybe, just maybe, we can work things out. Maybe, maybe I can make him view me in a different light. I look at my pale skinned superior in front of me.

My heart drops when I see him turn his face away from me dismissively, muttering, "Trash" under his breath.

As soon as the meeting is over, Ulquiorra stands up and leaves, the coat tails of his uniform flapping behind him, without even giving me a second look.

Why do you do this to me every time?

I just wish that you would look at me.

I follow him to his room, walking behind him. He pretends not to notice me like he always does. As soon as he is in the confines of his room, I stand outside, staring at the closed door. I know exactly what will happen if I knock on the door. I know exactly what will happen to me. What I will do. I know exactly how I will feel afterwards. I raise my fist hesitantly. Should I knock? Am I so weak that I need him so much?

I knock on the door.

I guess I am weak. I am pathetic. I disgust myself.

I shove my hand back into my pocket and wait. I don't have to wait long because Ulquiorra opens the door, almost as though he was expecting me. Well, of course he is expecting me. I come every day. If there is a meeting, I will come directly after the meeting. He steps aside to lets me in, his expression as stoic as ever. And I, being the pathetic loser that I am, step in, knowing full well what is in store for me.

What happens next is exactly what I predicted.

The door slams shut and is immediately locked.

I find myself being shoved against the wall, my white jacket shrugged off of my shoulders, the back of my head hitting the wall painfully. I hiss in pain.

"Can't wait to get started, huh?" I sneer.

A brief look of anger passes those emerald orbs, but it is quickly extinguished. If possible, Ulquiorra doesn't allow any emotion to pass his face. But sometimes, if you look hard enough, you can catch glimpses of the emotions he is experiencing. It is not easy, I can tell you that. Ulquiorra is not the easiest individual to understand. Even I don't fully understand him, but I'm trying.

And I know how this looks like. Ulquiorra pinning me against the wall? Me sneering at him? I will explain the first question soon enough, right after I explain the second one. I do this, I do this so that he won't know how much I crave for him. For his touch. For him to even look at me. But I can't let him know how much he means to me. My pride just won't let me. So instead, I mask my true feelings with insolence. However, I think that Ulquiorra knows. He probably does. He is not stupid. But by acting this way, I feel less pathetic.

"You talk too much, Sexta." He glowers at me.

"That's because you are so fucking unresponsive. Someone's gotta fill up the silence, don't ya think, you little-" My sentence is cut short when I feel Ulquiorra wrap his slim fingers around my neck, threatening to choke me. I grab his wrist and try to loosen his grip on my throat, but I can't. He is too strong for me. A fact that he constantly reminds me of. So I begin to struggle. "You little fuck-" I gasp.

"Silence," he says, tightening his grip on my neck. His voice is cold and unfeeling. Filled with hatred. The very sight of me disgusts him.

With just one word I stop and stand still. That's just how much he affects me.

I close my sapphire eyes in anticipation when I feel him lean in closer, his breath on my neck, his cold hand exploring my body while he kept the other firmly around my neck. It hurts me that he still doesn't trust me. But then again, trust doesn't come easy amongst the Espadas in Las Noches. The Espadas would kill each other at the very first opportunity, just to get to the top. However, I would never kill Ulquiorra Cifer. I would never inflict pain on him.

But he would kill me. He won't ever hesitate to hurt me.

I shiver when I feel his hot tongue run itself down my neck. Tentatively, I reach up and pull him close, eager to feel him. I don't know how to explain my relationship with Ulquiorra. I don't even know what it's called. I don't even think that what Ulquiorra and I have can be called a relationship of any sort. His teeth sink into the location between my shoulder and neck, breaking through my thick hierro, drawing blood and making me gasp.

I tighten my hold on Ulquiorra to let him know that he is hurting me, but he ignores me. Instead, he tightens his grip on my neck in response and continues to sink his teeth into my flesh. I have no choice but to let him do as he pleases. I let my head fall back against the wall and moved my head to allow him more space to continue what he is doing. He is not gentle. He never is. I squeeze my eyes shut and try not to let the pained gasps that wanted to crawl out of my throat out.

_Contrary to what people think, I did not meet Ulquiorra Cifer for the first time at Las Noches, where I was born into an arrancar. No. I met him when I was an adjunchas. I was wandering around the desert of Hueco Mundo by myself. I had just finished eating my meal of a few worthless Hollows. I could still taste their blood on my tongue._

_I lay down on the ground and flicked my gaze lazily at a white building in front of me. It was quite a distance from me. I had always wondered who had lived in that place. The only things that lived in Hueco Mundo were Hollows. Hollows certainly did not have the intelligence to build something like that. I had tried breaking into that place before, but I found it impenetrable. No matter how many times I had tried, it did not matter. I could not break in._

_Then something came out of the building and I raised my head in interest._

_The figure was dressed in white and was slender with a mask in the shape of a broken helmet placed on one side of his head._

_An arrancar._

_Arrancars were a rare sight. Seeing one that had taken on a full human form was even rarer._

_Then the figure was gone, and that arrancar was suddenly in front of me._

_He was fast. I give him that._

_I raised myself from the ground, wary. As much as I hated to admit it, this arrancar could easily kill me. He regarded me with a condescending look on his doll-like face and it pissed me the hell off. The first thing I noticed about him was his eyes. They were the colour of emerald. Bright and full of intelligence. However, that colour seemed to be wasted on him because there was no emotion reflected in his eyes. He was pale, had short, messy raven hair and had an air of arrogance about him._

_I hated him the moment I saw him._

"_Adjunchas," he said, looking down at me. Even his voice was emotionless. "How would you like to serve Aizen-sama?"_

_A growl resounded in my throat, telling him that my answer was no. I did not answer to anyone. I did not know who the fuck Aizen was, nor did I give a shit about him. He seemed to have anticipated me answer because the next thing he said was;_

"_In exchange for your services, Aizen-sama will give you power." His emerald eyes seemed like they were able to look right through me, reading my mind. "He will turn you into an arrancar."_

The whole time this happened, he has never once kissed me. He merely explores my body with his hands and leaves bruises and wounds with his mouth and teeth. It hurts. But I try not to let it show that I am affected by this.

Even with the things that he does to me, I am still desperate to feel his touch. Not what he is giving me now. I want him to touch me like he loves me. But since this is about as much as I can get from him, I will settle for this. I hiss when he sinks his teeth into my shoulder. Desperate to taste him, I make him face me. He looks angry for a second. At me. For interrupting him and not being obedient. But then I lean forward and kiss him.

He stiffens, his grip on my neck loosening slightly.

We hardly ever kiss. He never kisses me. I am always the one who initiates it. I guess it is because he thinks it is unnecessary. He only wants one thing from me and once he is done with me, he leaves me. It is always like that. But when we do kiss, it is indescribable. I feel like I'm someplace else. Like I am not here where Ulquiorra Cifer hates my guts. No. I feel like I'm at a place where Ulquiorra Cifer actually cares about me, and doesn't look at me in disgust.

Ulquiorra begins to return the kiss and I am already feeling light headed. His tongue enters my mouth and soon we start fighting for dominance. I know it is useless to fight with him over this. He is stronger than me, and always will be. I guess it hurts my pride less when I put up more of a fight rather than just letting him do what he wants to me. Sure enough, he wins dominance and he grabs me behind the knees, lifting me up and presses me against the wall, using the wall as support.

I grab hold of his shoulders to balance myself. I know exactly what is going to happen. I always hated this part. I still do.

"Shit," I breathe, struggling in his grasp.

But I know that in the end I always give in. I always do. But it doesn't hurt any less. I struggle some more but this earns me a bite on my shoulder. He nearly tears the flesh away. I bite back a pained cry. No matter what I do, whether it is to just give in or fight, it will just end the same way. So I close my eyes and prepare myself for the inevitable pain that is to come.

It does.

* * *

Once we both have reached completion, we stay still for a few minutes, taking some time to come down from our high before he finally lets me go slowly and we both sink to our knees, completely spent.

I breathe out heavily, trying to still my breathing. A film of sweat covers our bodies and I can see that his eyes are starting to lose the glazed look that they had on earlier. He looks exhausted and his hair is slightly damp with sweat. Captivated, I reach out and touch his cheek, caressing that doll-like face of his. He closes his emerald eyes at the touch and I lean forward, my lips ghosting over his before they meet. I caress his lips with mine. The kiss is soft, unlike the ones that we usually share. I feel him start to press his lips back against mine when suddenly, seemingly to have caught himself indulging in such an affectionate act, he places the palm of his hand against my chest and pushes me away roughly.

My head hits the wall with a soft thud. But that doesn't hurt as much as the rejection. Emerald eyes bore into my sapphire ones before he finally turns away and says in a disgusted voice, "Worthless trash." He gets up from the floor, picks up his discarded clothes and begins dressing himself, letting cold air rush to where his body had been. Zipping his jacket close, he says without looking at me, "Get out."

I just continue to stare at him wide eyed from my position on the ground.

He turns around and shoves his hands into his pockets, his eyes looking down at me. "Get. Out," he repeats.

"Tch. Whatever," I spit out, pretending not to care when it actually cut me deep.

I gather my clothes and dress myself before leaving. He doesn't even watch me as I close the door, cutting him out of my vision. I feel dirty, used and unappreciated. And it's no one else's fault but my own. I let myself be used by him. I let myself fall in love with a heartless bastard like him. But I can't help it. I'm addicted to him.

_All I want is for you to_ see_ me. Is that just too much to ask?_

_

* * *

_**DIOR:** This chapter has been censored in order to abide to the site's M-rating rule, and chapter two as well (but only slightly. Chapter one is the one that got a lot of text cut out). If you'd like to read the uncut versions, please go to my profile, click "Fic Livejournal" and search from the master list (first post)._  
_


	2. Part 2

It all feels so fucking _good_. Our bodies are slick with sweat and the room is filled with our gasps and moans of pleasure. It occurs to me that people would be able to hear us if they pass by the Cuarta's room, but really, who gives a shit about what goes on behind closed doors here in Las Noches?

Everyone here have their secrets going on.

_After a few days of getting used to living in Las Noches, I started getting to know my fellow arrancars. Most of them were not happy with having a new comrade; we arrancars look out for ourselves and will cut down competition at the very first opportunity. The only arrancar that caught my eye was the one that had recruited me into Aizen's army._

_Often, I would watch him with interest, completely unaware that this was the beginning of my… obsession with him. He seemed to walk through the halls of Las Noches with such perfect grace, the coat tails of his uniform swaying with his movements. He was different from all of the other arrancars, and I suppose that was what drew me to him. He had an air of mystery about him and his composure was always calm, nothing ever provoked him. While most arrancars here were blood thirsty, loud and were constantly looking for something to kill, he wasn't. He was cold but he wasn't interested in dirtying his hands unless necessary._

_Like I said, he was different._

_One day, our paths crossed once more. He stared down at me in an obvious display to show that he saw me as a weakling and closed his eyes before turning away._

_That pissed me off._

"_Hey, you little shit!" I spat, my hands balled into fists. "You think you are so fucking great, huh?"_

_He stopped in his tracks and looked over his shoulder, his hands in his pockets. Annoyance flitted through his eyes._

"_Come and fight me, you Emo Bitch!" I challenged. "We'll see who is stronger then!"_

"_There is no need for such an unnecessary task."_

_I narrowed my eyes. "And why the hell is that?"_

"_Because, I _am _better than you."_

_Now that comment really got on my nerves. I wanted to tear the fucking bitch in half. I hated the way he spoke to me. I hated the way he looked at me. I hated HIM. Growling, I unsheathed my zanpaktou and lunged at him, my zanpaktou slicing through the air. He looked at me in a bored manner and stopped my zanpaktou with his arm._

_My eyes widened. The blade had hit him but there was not a single scratch on him._

"_Useless." He flung my zanpaktou away, letting it fall to the ground with a clatter. "You are no match for me. Come back when you are stronger. And show some respect towards your superior next time."_

_Superior…?_

_Noticing the confused look on my face, he said, "I am one of the Espada. I can crush you without any effort so watch your words, Jaegerjaquez."_

_The Espada? I've heard of them. They were supposedly this group of arrancars made up of supposedly the strongest fighters in Las Noches. I rarely saw any of those bastards but thinking back, I should have known that this guy was an Espada. His reiatsu was enormous. It was only when the pale Espada turned and walked away from me that it occurred to me that he knew my name._

_And so, desiring power so that I'd one day be able to join the ranks of the Espada, I trained every single day, mercilessly killing innocent hollows, practicing and perfecting my fighting technique. Slowly but surely, I climbed my way up to the rank of Sexta Espada. I later learned that his name was Ulquiorra Cifer and that he held the rank of Cuarta Espada. A strong son of a bitch. But even though I have proven that I am a more than able fighter, he still looked down at me. I have challenged his countless of times but he rejected every one of them._

_I may be part of the Espada but in his eyes I was not strong enough or worthy enough for his time._

* * *

We fall into a comfortable silence, with him lying down right next to me. His breaths caress my skin and he seems to be enjoying the moment. Cautiously, I reach up and hold him close, running my fingers through silken raven locks. When he doesn't reject my advances, I hold his chin and tip his face towards mine gently.

He looks up at me tiredly but he doesn't seem angry at all. Emerald orbs are glazed with exhaustion. Things have been pretty hectic lately what with Aizen giving him countless duties to perform every day. I don't know how he is able to fulfill every duty efficiently and flawlessly without complaint. His lips are slightly parted. These black and white lips. I run a finger along his bottom lip, surprising him slightly. They are so soft.

"Sexta…" Even exhaustion laces his voice. "What are you doing?"

Without a word, I lean forward and kiss him. Caught off guard, he stiffens and after a moment or two, he starts kissing me back. My fingers fisted in raven hair and his hands gripping my shoulders, our lips brush tightly against each other's, our tongues intertwined sensually. As we get deeper into the kiss, he moans softly into my mouth. I break away from the kiss and begin kissing a trail along his neck, pleased to hear that he is panting, enjoying the attention that he is receiving. I love to hear the little sounds that he makes when he is being pleasured. And since I don't get to hear it that often, I love it even more.

"Jaeger… Jaegerjaquez," he tries to speak in an even tone but is having difficulty doing so. He narrows his eyes at me, suspicion evident in those emerald orbs. "What are you doing?"

I look up at him, irritated. "What the hell do you think I'm doing?" I snap, not liking the way he is looking at me. Come on, is he _that_ oblivious? How much more obvious do I have to be to get it through his thick skull?

"I don't know. You tell me."

"God!" I say. "Are you _that_ stupid, Ulquiorra?"

He glares at me. "Watch your mouth, Sexta. I don't appreciate being called stupid."

"Well, that's because you are!" I am getting pissed off. "You just know exactly how to ruin the moment, don't you?"

When he knits his eyebrows together in confusion, I can tell that he doesn't get it. I don't know what I expected. He _is_ Ulquiorra, after all. He doesn't understand emotions and since they have no use in battle, he doesn't think that they are necessary. I flip us over, my hands gripping his shoulders, making him look at me in the eye.

"You have no idea, do you?"

He stares up at me blankly. "What?"

"That I'm in lo-"

"Ulquiorra!" a lazy voice drawls from outside Ulquiorra's door.

Emerald eyes fall upon the door. Ulquiorra sighs. Without a doubt, it must be someone coming to tell Ulquiorra that he has more work to do. I curse under my breath. Did they have to come right _now_?

"Let go of me, Sexta," Ulquiorra commands.

"What if I don't?"

"Let. Me. Go," he repeats, more seriously and more commanding this time.

I let him go and watch him as he picks up his hakama from the ground and puts it on, tying the sash on securely. With that done, he walks towards the door and twists it open, not even bothering to put on his jacket, revealing the Quinta Espada standing outside. I can feel my blood boil when Nnoitra licks his lips and runs his eyes brazenly over Ulquiorra's body. I wish that the bastard would burn right on the spot.

They are both speaking in hushed tones with the Quinta occasionally sending sly looks in my direction, enjoying the increasingly sour look on my face. I know exactly what it looks like. I am completely naked with only a sheet barely covering my hips, with hickeys decorating my neck and chest. From the scratch marks on Ulquiorra's arms, hips and back, Nnoitra knows exactly what had taken place here before he came.

To further irritate me, the Quinta leans towards Ulquiorra, his lips barely touching the Cuarta's ear as he whispers something to him as he runs his hand down Ulquiorra's arm.

What the fuck does the asshole think that he is playing at?

I pull the sheet up, wrapping it around my hips to cover myself and stalk towards the two, a scowl fixed on my face.

"What the hell is going on here?" I demand.

Nnoitra grinned. "Nothing."

"Nnoitra here is just telling me that the Ryoka boy is getting nearer. Aizen-sama has told us to prepare ourselves," Ulquiorra explains.

While Ulquiorra spoke, I continue to glower at the Quinta, willing him to go away. He just grins at me in his usual pervert-like fashion and says conversationally, "So, what were you and Ulquiorra doing?"

"None of your business," I answer stiffly.

"Oh really?" He raises an eyebrow. "By the way do you have any idea who was making all of those noises just now?"

"What noises?" I reply cautiously.

"You know," he says slyly. "I heard some screaming and moaning coming from this room."

"You know very well what was going on here, Jiruga!" I snap.

Ulquiorra watches this exchange silently, not even saying a word.

"Alright alright. Don't need to get so snippy," Nnoitra says. "And don't scream at me, Jaegerjaquez. Else you will strain your voice. Especially after all of that screaming you did before. I had no idea that you are so vocal…"

"Get. OUT."

"Careful there, kitty cat. You will really strain your voice that way," Nnoitra sniggers. "You really must like being bottom-"

Fed up, I slam the door in his face. With a touch of satisfaction, I hear him yell out and curse when the door hit him square in the face.

"You should respect your superiors, Sexta. Even if it is Nnoitra," Ulquiorra comments easily.

"But he was _touching_ you!" I find myself saying without thinking.

"What?" Oh, he understood what I said perfectly well alright. He just doesn't understand the emotion behind it.

"Nothing."

Now Ulquiorra is starting to lose his patience. "What is wrong with you, Jaegerjaquez? You have been acting rather strange lately."

When I keep silent, he studies me, those emerald eyes willing to search for the reason for my behaviour. After a few long drawn seconds of silence, he closes his eyes and looks away. Shoving his hands into his pockets, he says, "It's not important. Your feelings don't matter anyways."

What?

And he walks away from me, bending down to pick up his discarded jacket, just like that. His movements are graceful, his demeanor calm; he is beautiful, yet so cold. It's like he has built an impenetrable wall around himself and he won't let anyone in. No matter how many times I try, I can't break through. He will just push me away. Like he is doing right now.

I'm sick and tired of it.

"My feelings don't matter?" I repeat his words, balling up my fists.

He pauses for a brief moment before zipping up his jacket right up to his throat. "That's right. They don't," Ulquiorra says plainly. He has finished dressing himself and is now straightening out his uniform. Not once does he look at me. He keeps his back firmly turned on me.

I stare at that back, stare at that white uniform that is concealing the patterns that I have clawed down his back numerous times, marring that porcelain. Even with his jacket on, I can tell exactly what the marks look like and where they are. Some are old and faded, paler than his skin. Some are healing with scabs on them. Some are new, fresh, with some dried blood smeared on them. I have always felt sorry whenever I tear that skin open, causing crimson to blossom.

But right now, I don't give a damn.

"So my feelings don't matter." I feel like laughing.

_You just don't understand. You never do_.

All of my pent up emotions are finally coming to the surface. I feel so stupid. Of course he doesn't care. He is Ulquiorra fucking Cifer; the most emotionless arrancar in Aizen's army. I'm sick of this. "Fine, Ulquiorra," I say bitterly. "Have it your way, as always. You don't fucking care, do you? You don't fucking care about anyone other than yourself." As I say all of this, he stiffens and stands still. I can tell that he is listening since he doesn't interrupt me. "I hate you," I finish softly.

…

I am breathing hard now, my heart beating fast. At first, I thought that he was going to cero me for saying all of those things, but he does not. Instead he stays silent, his back still turned on me.

Then he speaks, his voice low yet it is incredibly clear to my ears.

"You are being a nuisance, Sexta. Unlike you, I have some duties to fulfill so I would appreciate it if you were to see yourself out," Ulquiorra says calmly. He gestures at the door. "If you will."

I narrow my eyes at him. "Fine!" I snap. "I don't want to spend any more time with you anyways!" His glare deepens at my words and I know I will have to pay for them later, but by now, I don't give a shit. I grab my clothes and quickly dress myself before storming out of the Cuarta's room. This is the first time I have ever had an argument with Ulquiorra, and knowing Ulquiorra, he would be rougher during our next meeting or he will give me the silent treatment.

As if it makes any difference.

I slam my fist into the wall, trying to combat with the pain in my chest. Fuck this. I need to release all of my pent up anger. Hitting the wall won't do. I need something, someone to kill. A stray hollow perhaps? Or…

I grin.

I know exactly who I want to take my anger out on.

* * *

The Ryoka boy was easy enough to find. His reiatsu is enormous and the fact that he is totally useless at cloaking it helped. He was wandering around, completely lost. The moment I saw him, I challenged him to a battle, which he quickly accepted. I am panting lightly now, my hand on the hilt of my zanpaktou as I glare at Kurosaki. He has multiple wounds all over his body but he doesn't seem to be giving up. If anything, he seems more determined than ever to save that Inoue girl. I myself am no better off what with wounds and cuts all over my body, my uniform torn in places. Blood may be dripping down my body, mixed with sweat-

But I've never felt more alive.

I am in my element. I am doing what I am born to do; to kill. It seems that I have forgotten how good it is seeing others in pain after I met Cifer. And now that I am back in battle, I don't ever want to leave.

I have refused to draw out my zanpaktou throughout the whole battle, wanting to just bash the boy's face into the ground. He is my punching bag, after all. And I have; it certainly helped with releasing my anger, being able to kick and beat the boy so easily. Or maybe I just want to die. But then Kurosaki pulls on that Hollow-like mask of his, and I think that the real battle has just begun. He is desperate to rescue his friend and will do all it takes to save her.

I pull my zanpaktou out at the very last minute to block his attack when he suddenly lunges at me, his pure black zanpaktou slashing through the air.

"Is that all you've got, boy?" I laugh. "You've got to do more than that if you want to defeat me."

Ichigo narrows his eyes at me. "I will defeat you." He attacks me again, cutting open a fresh wound across my torso. "I will defeat you _and_ Ulquiorra."

I stiffen.

Ulquiorra…?

Confusion passes through Kurosaki's face when he catches sight of the marks on my neck and chest but then I regain my composure and spit out, seeing red, "I'd like to see you try, brat." No one is allowed to injure Ulquiorra. Ever. I kick him in the chest, enjoying the sight of blood spurting of out his mouth before he slammed into the wall.

Slowly, Ichigo falls to the ground and he tries raising himself up on all fours, but it is slow going. It is a pitiful sight, but I am too angry to care. My lips set in a thin line, I stand over the boy, my fury evident through my reiatsu, stepping on his hand cruelly, making him cry out. Who is he to threaten Ulquiorra? To think that he could defeat the Cuarta Espada? I have never seen Ulquiorra hurt in battle before, and I doubt I will anytime soon.

I want nothing more than to see Kurosaki dead.

"Don't even fucking _think_that you are worthy enough to fight Ulquiorra if you can't even get past me, Kurosaki," I say lowly. "Is that all the power you've got? You aren't even trying to kill me."

"Don't underestimate me, Grimmjow."

And then he disappears from the ground and appears behind me. I turn around just in time to block his attack, grunting as I did so. He is overpowering me. Damn it. The kid is right. I have been underestimating him. The only reason I have gotten this far without releasing is because I have been fighting purely on my heightened emotions, letting it take me over and blind me, making me hit harder and faster. But the truth is, if I don't release Pantera, then this battle is just as good as over.

And yet I still refuse to.

Because even though I'm badly injured, I love the pain. And I want this battle to go on. But then I catch the look in Kurosaki's eyes; he thinks he is going to win, that he will be able to defeat me easily and it just fuels my anger. It reminds me too much of how Ulquiorra looks down on me.

"Fuck you!" I jump away from the boy and place my fingers on Pantera. I will show him. No one looks down on me. NO ONE. "Grind, Pantera," I growl.

No more playing around. It's time to finish this battle.

* * *

We must have been fighting for what feels like an eternity and both of us refuse to give up. Both of us are beaten up and nearly at our end, but sheer determination is what keeps us going on, pushing us beyond our limits. But as much as I hate to admit it, I am more heavily injured than Kurosaki. My breaths are ragged, my vision is getting blurry and simply standing up is difficult. Kurosaki has definitely gotten stronger since the last time I fought him in the human world.

Last time, defeating him would not have been a problem for me. But now, now it seems that he is on par with me in terms of power, but even more so. At first, I seemed to have the upper hand, surprising Ichigo with how much more power I have in my released form, my speed and strength heightened. However, it seems that he has decided to get more serious and battle at full power after I goaded him into doing so.

How am I supposed to prove that I am more powerful if he doesn't fight me at full strength?

I hiss as I slam into a wall, pain surging throughout my mind and body.

Kurosaki points the blade of his zanpaktou at my throat, his expression serious.

"You aren't the only one who wants to win, Grimmjow," he says.

I glare at him.

I grab his zanpaktou in defiance, pulling it closer to my throat, ignoring the fact that blood is now dripping down my hand from gripping it too hard, cutting open new wounds.

"Kill me then," I challenge. "You don't have the balls to kill me, boy."

Kurosaki remains silent.

I am cornered. My injuries are too numerous and deep for me to be able to continue fighting, but that doesn't mean this battle is over. Not yet.

"This battle is over, Grimmjow."

The Ryoka boy jumps away and holds his zanpaktou up. I close my eyes and I hear him yell, "Getsuga Tenshou!"

I ball up my fists, expecting to feel the powerful impact of Kurosaki's attack, and with it, the end of my life, but none came. When I finally open my eyes, I see a slender figure with raven hair clad in a white uniform in front of me. I look up at him in shock. Even Kurosaki is surprised.

"Ulquiorra?" I splutter. "What are you doing here?"

Ulquiorra turns around to fully face me, his expression stoic but in his eyes I can see fury burning in them. Fury of what? He stands in front of me, his eyes set in a glare. He grabs the front of my jacket, lifting me up until our faces are inches away from one another, making me look up at him, look into his eyes. His expression is unreadable. What is he thinking? Why is he here, saving me after what had just happened before?

"You fool," he says, anger practically radiating off of him. "We are supposed to stop him _together_."

When I remain speechless, we stare into each other's eyes for a few moments and then he says, his voice low, "It is my turn to battle Kurosaki Ichigo."

"Hell no!" I spit out. "I'm not done yet!" I try to stand up but that causes more blood to gush out of my wounds and I cry out. Damn it. The pain is a bitch.

"Your condition will not allow you to do so," Ulquiorra states plainly.

"At least let me help you," I try once more. "We are in this together, aren't we?"

Ulquiorra's eyes harden. He drops me heavily to the ground, pulls out his zanpaktou and raises it. "You are finished, Sexta. Now it is my turn." And then he slices a new wound across my chest open, causing crimson to spurt out, and thus making it impossible for me to continue battle.

Ichigo stares at Ulquiorra in shock. When he opens his mouth, he shouts, "How could you do that to him? He's your comrade!"

The Cuarta Espada flicks his gaze upon the orange haired teen calmly. "My reasons are my own, Kurosaki."

As I fall to the ground and watch Ulquiorra walk towards Kurosaki, his movements as graceful as ever, I am dizzy with blood loss. Before blacking out, a question forms in my mind;

_Why have you come to save me?_


	3. Part 3

When I wake up, all I can feel is a dull pain throbbing throughout my body. Shit, that hurt. Opening my eyes, I see that I am lying on a bed in a vaguely familiar room; its walls are painted white and the room is filled with numerous medical equipment. I sit up, wincing slightly as I do so and blink blearily at my surroundings. Where am I? And what the hell am I doing here? Looking around, it takes some time for it to register in my mind that I am in the Medical Room. I know because I have been here a few times before when I needed my injuries from battle to be treated.

As though on instinct, I clutch at my chest and look down. The pure white bandages that are wrapped around my chest right down to my abdomen are stained a bright crimson, particularly at the chest area. It seems that someone had brought me here to be healed by one of the lower arrancars. And from the looks of my injuries, I am lucky to be alive. Injuries? I clutch at the bed sheet when I suddenly remember how I had acquired my latest injury.

"_Your condition will not allow you to do so," Ulquiorra states plainly._

"_At least let me help you," I try once more. "We are in this together, aren't we?"_

_Ulquiorra's eyes harden. He drops me heavily to the ground, pulls out my zanpaktou and raises it. "You are finished, Sexta. Now it is my turn." And then he slices a new wound across my chest open, causing crimson to spurt out, and thus making it impossible for me to continue battle._

My throat constricts, my breathing becoming uneven and rapid.

"Ulquiorra…" I breathe, feeling tears start to prick at the edges of my eyes.

What happened to you…?

"Ah, I see that you are finally awake."

I turn around so quickly that I nearly snap my neck doing so.

A female arrancar had emerged from the store room where all of the medical supplies are kept. I don't recognize her so she must be new. Not that that matters at the moment. What matters right now is Ulquiorra. Where is he and what happened to him? And above all, is he alright? That last time I had seen him, he was about to go up against Ichigo Kurosaki.

Not even bothering to greet her, I demand, "Where's Ulquiorra?"

"Ulquiorra…?" the female arrancar repeats, clearly confused. "Who is that…?"

Wow, she must be REALLY new around here.

Oh, how I want to wrap my fingers around her neck and strangle her within an inch of her life. That is the fucking most stupid question I've ever heard in my life. _Everyone_ knows who the hell Ulquiorra is, who are the Espada, and if they don't know, then they are obviously stupid. Which is what this woman is. The only thing stopping me from doing just that is the fact that she may have some information on him. And, oh, she may also be the one who healed me so I'm pretty much in debt to her. But still.

"Ulquiorra," I say, "Ulquiorra Cifer. The Cuarta Espada." When the woman continues to look confused, I continue exasperatedly, "That slender arrancar with black hair, white skin and green eyes!" Still nothing. "The _emo_ looking one."

"Oh!" she says, her face brightening up when it finally registers in her tiny ass mind who the hell I am talking about. Heh. Works every time. Then her face falls. "He… he was admitted here a few days ago."

"A few days ago? How long exactly have I been out?"

"Three days. You have been unconscious for three days."

"And Ulquiorra?" I press. "How is he? Is he alive?"

The woman hesitates for a moment or two, wondering whether she should tell me this piece of information. Seeing no harm in it, she says, "He's fine. Starrk-sama was the one who brought the both of you here. Ulquiorra was barely alive when he came here. He has been moved to his own room so that he will be more comfortable. We don't know whether he will survive."

"What?" I whisper, my heart beating rapidly.

She merely lowers her head in response. "I'm sorry."

"That can't be!" I grab the front of her uniform, lifting her up about a foot from the ground in spite of my injuries, making her cry out in surprise. I stare at her in disbelief. There is no fucking way that this could be true. In spite of the way I used to say that I am stronger than Ulquiorra and that he feared fighting me, I knew deep inside that Ulquiorra possesses powers far greater than I do. I tighten my grip on the woman's uniform, ignoring the fear that laces her reiatsu. I can't imagine Ulquiorra losing a fight. Ever. Ulquiorra is a strong, proud Espada… There's no way… Yet when I look into her wide eyes, I could not find a hint of a lie. Not one. "Where the hell is he?" I demand. "Tell me!"

The woman bites her bottom lip and begins to speak.

* * *

When I slam the door open, Starrk looks up in surprise. He stares at me as I limp in, every step that I take torturous and painful. The woman had told me to stay put and not stress myself until I have fully recovered, but seriously? I don't give a shit. I can't rest and not be stressed knowing that Ulquiorra is mortally wounded.

"Grimmjow?" Starrk says incredulously. "What are you doing out of bed? You aren't supposed to be walking around." He did not say it with concern, but rather, stating it as a fact. When I don't answer, Starrk eyes me carefully as I make my way slowly towards the bed that Starrk is sitting next to and stare down at its occupant, my face unreadable.

Ulquiorra is unconscious, his breathing labored and uneven. Shaking, I run my fingers across his cheek. He does not even stir. Like the woman said; he is dead to the world.

"What happened to him?" My voice is barely above a whisper, but Starrk heard me.

"Aizen-sama ordered me to save him but by the time I got there, he was nearly dead but still he fought. The Ryoka managed to save his friend and escaped. Ulquiorra sustained a lot of injuries and to top it all off, he used up a lot of reiatsu. Even with his ability to regenerate…" Starrk looks down at the weakened Cuarta Espada, his face grim. "He is only able to heal his wounds, but his reiatsu is nearly diminished. Which is why Aizen-sama has ordered us Espadas to be around Ulquiorra since we all possess high reiatsu. And today is my turn."

The brown haired arrancar falls silent after his explanation, which I am grateful for. Because throughout the whole time he spoke, I could feel the lump of guilt at the pit of my stomach grow bigger and bigger. I let out a shaky breath. "So this is all my fault, huh?" I say bitterly.

"There's no way you could have prevented this from happening, Grimmjow."

"What makes you so sure that I couldn't have?" I shoot back. When Starrk isn't able to answer my question, my suscipions are only confirmed. If I wasn't so pissed off at Ulquiorra, if I hadn't gone off the way I did after our argument, this would never have happened. Ulquiorra would not have gone after me to correct my foolishness that would have led to my death. Ulquiorra would be well and alive. Not that he isn't now. He's alive. But just barely. I have completely dismissed the idea that Ulquiorra went against Kurosaki to save me; it was just me being hopeful. There is no way Ulquiorra could have done that for me. For anyone. He looks for himself and cares for no one. That has always been his way and will always be. How could I forget that? Still…

Ulquiorra's head is placed carefully on a pillow, his raven locks spread across it, the look on his doll-like face one of pain and suffering. It looks like even breathing is a difficult task for him. He looks so fragile. Breakable. His right hand lay across his chest and I touch at his pale fingers gently before holding his hand in mine. He is cold. Colder than usual.

I stare down at him.

_Why did you have to fight Kurosaki?_

_Why did you have to come after me?_

"Grimmjow," Starrk's voice reaches me, but I can't tear my gaze away from Ulquiorra. It is so strange, so out of place, to see Ulquiorra injured, defeated. He has always stood tall and proud. I could never imagine him losing. Yet here he is lying before me in a death-like state, a result of his loss towards that Ryoka. Ulquiorra is trying very hard to live; otherwise he wouldn't be here, he would have just let himself slip into the cold hands of Death. True death. "Grimmjow," Starrk speaks once more. I don't move but he knows that I'm listening so he continues to speak. "You need to go back to your room and rest. I will stay here as Aizen-sama ordered me to. I will make sure that he's alright."

I let my fingers trace the contours of Ulquiorra's face, silent.

"No," I say quietly. I sit down at the edge of Ulquiorra's bed and look up at Starrk defiantly, who looks taken aback. Hardly anyone dares to disobey him, aside from Lilynette. "I will stay here and take care of him."

"Grimmjow…" Starrk says carefully. "Are you sure that that is a wise choice? You've just woken up and-"

"I don't give a shit about me!" I snap. "How can I be busy worrying about myself when Ulquiorra is dying?"

I turn my face away from him in disgust. I know that Starrk only said that out of concern for my well being, but with the knowledge that Ulquiorra might slip away at any moment in mind, that fact pales in comparison. Reaching out, I clutch at Ulquiorra's cold hands, holding them in my own. _What were you thinking? You should have just left me to die._

Starrk sighs. "Fine. I will inform Aizen-sama that you're going to stay with Ulquiorra from now on." He yawns. "I want to sleep anyways. I'll see you later, Jaegerjaquez."

I hear him take several steps towards the door when I suddenly sit up and ask him the question that I has been nagging me at the back of my head ever since I have woken up. "Starrk," I call out. The brown haired man looks over his shoulder, a questioning look on his face. "Did…" I hesitate. "Did Ulquiorra say anything to you when you came to rescue us?"

"… Why do you ask?"

"It's nothing, really. You know what? Forget it. Forget that I even asked." I turn my face away, my face burning. He must have thought that I look like some lost, hopeful puppy. "Just go. I will take over from here."

Starrk regards me for a few moments before saying, "He asked me to protect you."

My sapphire eyes widen, my breath caught in my throat. Slowly, I return my gaze to his face, unable to believe the words that had just come out of his mouth. "What?"

Starrk turns around fully to face me, his hands in his pockets, the expression on his face serious. "He asked me to protect you," he repeats. "To bring you to safety. Even though he was dying, that was the only thing that he asked for." The Primera Espada lets out the breath that he had been holding in. He looks tired but at the same time, he looks more awake than he has ever been. "He didn't want you to die. He kept on fighting to keep you from harm." Starrk runs a hand through his brown locks, trying to think of what else to say to me. "Grimmjow, this might sound strange, but Ulquiorra obviously cares about you." He walks back towards the door, giving me a small wave, ignoring the bewildered look on my face. "He just doesn't know how to show it."

And then he leaves me alone with my thoughts.

Looking at that doll-like face again, I find myself speechless. Ulquiorra's breathing has gone to a more calm, steady pattern, but he still wears that pained expression. Looking at that familiar face, the face of the person who has done nothing but look at me in disgust, it's hard to believe that he actually did that for me. I remember all of the times he had insulted me and thrown me away carelessly. This was all bullshit. I bite my bottom lip. Is all of this true? _Is it true that you attacked me because you know that I would have carried on fighting regardless of what you say? Do you really care about me or was Starrk messing with me?_ Starrk doesn't strike me as the type to joke around, though. If what he said was true, then it truly was my fault that this happened.

"You bastard," I growl, tears pricking in my eyes, threatening to fall. "Why did you have to do that? Why didn't you just leave me?" No response. Just steady breathing from Ulquiorra. I clutch at those white hands again and then hold one of them against my cheek, ignoring the fact that they were ice-cold. Cold as Death.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I HATE YOU.

I want to scream. I want to shake him and make him wake up. Even if it's just to hear him call me "trash". At least it would mean that he is alright. Tears are rolling down my cheeks now. "You… you could have died." My tears drip down onto his hand that I have pressed against my cheek, running along his skin until it finally falls onto the bed sheet. "I don't want you to leave just yet. So, hold on, Ulquiorra," I choke. And then I say the words that I would have never dared to say to him if he was awake, "Hold on. Because… _because I love you_."

When I look up, I see a few tears escape from under Ulquiorra's closed eyelids.

* * *

It has been a few days now since I have started taking care of Ulquiorra. I have taken the rest of the Espadas' duties of sitting by Ulquiorra's side to ensure that he regains his former strength back. It wasn't that hard. All I had to do was to ask Aizen for permission and the rest of the Espada were more than happy to give up their duty of caring for their fellow Espada. That stung a bit, but I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. Like I have said before; we Espada look out for ourselves and for ourselves only. Give us an opportunity and we would gladly slit each other's throats.

The rest have found out about what I feel towards Ulquiorra. No doubt that that was Nnoitra's doing. I scowl at the thought. Everyone thinks that I'm being stupid. Ever since the day they found out, they have been making sneering remarks, but for the most part, I brush all of those comments aside. Except for that one time I kicked that pink haired freak of an Espada's ass for calling Ulquiorra a bitch.

Taking a damp towel that I have just soaked with water, I slowly pull up Ulquiorra's shirt, wincing slightly as I do so. I hate doing this. Because every time I do this, his scars from his battle against Kurosaki is revealed. I press the towel against that pale skin, cleaning him, ignoring all of the scars. I don't even need to look at them to know how they look like. The scars are white, more than his skin, some are slightly raised, and they stand out, serving as a reminder of what had happened. There are so many large scars running across his skin that I don't even want to think about how badly Kurosaki must have cut him up that day.

But still, slowly but surely, Ulquiorra is getting better. His breathing is more regular and I think that he could be waking up any day now.

When I am done cleaning Ulquiorra up, I put down the towel. I have been spending nearly of my time by his side here, hardly ever going back to my own room, even falling asleep in here on the chair. Ichimaru told me to take a rest, but I refuse to. I just want to be by Ulquiorra's side when he wakes up.

* * *

I have just emerged from the kitchen to grab a snack when I catch sight of Nnoitra Jiruga. The idiot Espada of Las Noches. Man, I hate him. He has tried on more than one occasion to kill me. I wonder if he is here to kill me or to get on my nerves. Something tells me that he just wants to piss me off. He is grinning in that annoying way of his, looking at me up and down. I feel like punching him in the face and maybe also knocking a few of this teeth out in the process. At least that way he would stop smiling so much.

"Not taking care of your precious Ulquiorra?" he drawls.

"Shut up, Jiruga!" I snap. I attempt to walk past him when he grabs my arm. I shoot him a death glare but he doesn't back down. "Let me go," I hiss, pulling my arm away from him. "Fucking touch me again and I will cero your head off!"

Normally, I would have just gone right ahead and ceroed him, but right now, I need to be with Ulquiorra. I can't waste my time on fucktards like him.

"Oh?" Nnoitra says, a sneer now permanently planted on his face. "You'll cero me for touching you? Funny." He walks up right to me, staring down at me as I stare daggers at him. "You didn't cero Ulquiorra when _he_ touched you."

My face burning, I spit out, "Watch your mouth, Jiruga!"

"That ain't nice." Nnoitra grins. "Didn't Ulquiorra ever teach you to respect your superiors?"

"You little sh-" then I stop.

"_Careful there, kitty cat. You will really strain your voice that way," Nnoitra sniggers. "You really must like being bottom-"_

_Fed up, I slam the door in his face. With a touch of satisfaction, I hear him yell out and curse when the door hit him square in the face._

"_You should respect your superiors, Sexta. Even if it is Nnoitra," Ulquiorra comments easily._

I let out a laugh, surprising the Quinta.

He squints at me. "Have you gone nuts, Jaegerjaquez?"

Shaking my head, I turn on my heel and leave a confused Nnoitra in my wake.

* * *

Turning the shower on, I let the droplets of water rain down on me, letting it wash away all of the dirt. I let out a sigh of relief, allowing the water's cooling effects to take over. To be honest, I am tired. I haven't had a decent night's sleep for nearly two weeks now. I grab a bar of soap and lather it all over my body. I have never left Ulquiorra's side but so far, there isn't much progress aside from the fact that he has started breathing normally again. That is something but it's still not enough.

Once I am done, I turn off the shower, reach out for a towel and wrap it around my waist. I'm using Ulquiorra's bathroom; I can't tell you how many times I have been in this place.

_Ulquiorra gasped as I sucked on the spot between his neck and shoulder, pinning him against the wall, letting the droplets of water from the shower fall on us, slicking our bodies. He had his arms wrapped around my neck as he moaned softly. Growling, I pushed him even harder until he was flat against the wall, enjoying the taste of his skin on my tongue and the noises that he was making._

Or how many memories it holds.

I push the memory to the back of my mind as I open the door and close it behind me. There is no use thinking about Ulquiorra 24/7 on top of constantly worrying over him. Doing all of that won't exactly help him. Sighing, I run my fingers through my teal hair, slicking it back and out of my eyes. And then my eyes widen when I catch sight of the Cuarta's slight figure on the bed.

"Ulquiorra!"

I rush to his side immediately, ignoring the fact that I am still soaking wet. Ulquiorra is stirring slightly. My heart soars at the sight. Ulquiorra is alive. He's going to make it through this. Heck, he has already made it through this. I grab hold of his hand and watch in anticipation as his eyes flutter open, revealing those two emerald jewels. He blinks several times, focusing his vision until he sees me sitting next to him. He opens and closes his mouth a few times, struggling to speak. I wait patiently and when he is able to speak coherently, the first thing he says to me is;

"You idiot."

I could almost smile. _He's back. _

"Nice to see you too, Ulquiorra," I reply.

He glares at me weakly. "You do something like that again, Sexta, something as _reckless_ as that, I'm going to personally kill you. Did you know how dangerous it is to fight Kurosaki without any plan whatsoever? You could have been killed." He attempts to sit up but falls back down. He's still too weak. He scowls at his inability to perform such a simple task. "Making sure that you stay out of trouble is like a full time job I didn't sign up for."

"Anything else you want to say?" I say dryly.

"Yes." He pauses. "You are an idiot."

We fall into a comfortable silence, both of us lost in our own thoughts.

I remember that he hasn't drunk anything yet or even had anything to eat since he has woken up so I grab a glass, pour some water into it from a jug by the table next to the bed and hand it to Ulquiorra who drinks it. It's not much, but it'll have to do for now. I will have to call one of the lower arrancars to prepare some food for Ulquiorra in awhile. As he drinks from the glass, I study him. It is just like Ulquiorra to criticize me the moment he woke up. Not that I had expected a warmer welcome; I know him too well. It's not like a brush with death will change him. Once he has finished drinking, I ask him, "Why did you save me?"

Ulquiorra stiffens. "That is none of your business, Jaegerjaquez," he says coldly.

"Hell yeah it is!" I insist.

"No, it isn't."

Instinctively, I hold his hand and ask more seriously, "Why did you save me?"

Ulquiorra looks at the hand that I'm holding and then at me, stunned, his green, green eyes wide. Slowly, a most adorable blush spread across his face. The fact that he is pale makes the pink that dusted his cheeks even more obvious. I've never seen him blush before and now that I have, he looks beautiful. He looks like he wants to say something but then he shakes his head and breaks eye contact. He holds his head up high and says in that condescending tone of his, "My reasons are my own, Sexta."

"Fine." I notice that he didn't reprimand me for holding his hand. Normally, he wouldn't have allowed me to do such a thing but this time, he isn't pushing me away. "Then I have another question for you."

He narrows his eyes at me suspiciously. "What?"

I take a deep breath. "Did you hear what I said when I spoke to you?" I was referring to the time that I had _confessed_ to him.

Emerald eyes widen, betraying the truth that he is trying to hide.

_He did_. _He heard what I said_.

"I have no idea what you are talking about," Ulquiorra says brusquely, brushing my question off. "I was unconscious the whole time. There's no way I could have heard anything." He is denying everything. I can tell that he is lying. By the way he reacted when I mentioned the conversation, by the way he is avoiding the question, by the way he is avoiding my gaze now. He looks... _scared_.

"Ulquiorra, you were _crying_." I hold his chin gently and make him look at me. Slowly, he raises those emerald orbs to look into my sapphire ones, his own looking, searching right into mine. "You heard me."

"No, I didn't."

"Yes, you did. You heard me," I insist. "You heard me when I said to you that I lo-"

Ulquiorra tightens his grip on my hand, his nails digging into it slightly. "Don't say it," he breathes. There is a hint of panic in his voice.

"Why not? Ulquiorra, I-"

"No," he says firmly. "Don't say it. I don't ever want to hear it."

"Damn it, Ulquiorra, what are you so afraid of?" I think I might have struck a nerve because he tightens his grip on me. I'm starting to get angry now. What the fuck is wrong with him? I'm getting sick and tired of this fucking barrier that he has put up around himself. Just _what _exactly is he so afraid of? Not only am I not allowed to get close to him, I'm not allowed to love him either? I start to loosen my grip on his hand but he doesn't let go. "Why? Why don't you want to hear it?" I grit my teeth.

"…"

"Why, Ulquiorra? Give me one fucking good reason why!" I am getting frustrated. He just stares up at me with a blank expression on his face, but his eyes... too much conflicting emotions flit through them that I can't tell what he is thinking.

"…"

"Answer me, damn it! Don't ignore me!"

Finally, he starts to speak. "Because," he says and then adds quietly that I have to strain my ears to hear, "because I don't want to think that you care."

I stare at him in shock, falling back to my seat. We both say nothing more on the subject and fall into silence.


	4. Part 4

Some people say that Ulquiorra Cifer is incapable of love. They all believe that he is a heartless bastard who doesn't give a shit about anyone so long as they don't get in the way. And honestly, I was one of those people who thought that way. But now, now I'm not so sure what to think anymore. I used to think that if someone tried to hurt Ulquiorra in anyway, he wouldn't care less. But after what happened last time, who is to say that the supposedly emotionless Cuarta Espada won't be affected by anything at all?

"_Why, Ulquiorra? Give me one fucking good reason why!" I am getting frustrated. He just stares up at me with a blank expression on his face, but his eyes... too much conflicting emotions flit through them that I can't tell what he is thinking._

"…"

"_Answer me, damn it! Don't ignore me!"_

_Finally, he starts to speak. "Because," he says and then adds quietly that I have to strain my ears to hear, "because I don't want to think that you care."_

Ulquiorra is still a mystery to me, but the mystery is slowly unravelling. I have seen a new side to him. A side that I'm not quite sure of. But it is certainly a side that I'm sure no one has ever seen before. For a split second there, I saw a more vulnerable side to him, a side that he has been trying so hard to hide. I thought that after that, I would be able to understand him better. But he has returned to his normal self and I'm no closer to understanding him than I was before.

I bite my bottom lip.

What is going through your mind?

Emerald orbs quickly avert their gaze as soon as I look up. The owner of emerald orbs is sitting right in front of me, his fists clenching and unclenching; the only sign that shows that he is nervous on his otherwise calm composure. Ulquiorra has changed. Not really changed, it's more like the side of him that he has kept hidden for so long seems to be showing. Hovering right beneath the surface. Ever since he woke up two weeks ago, he has been avoiding me.

In fact, he has been avoiding me so much that we have not spoken a single word to each other since that day. If this happened before Ulquiorra got injured in battle, I would not bat a single eyelid. I would have chalked it up to Ulquiorra being a bastard as usual, trying to punish me for talking back to him. But no. From our last conversation, I could tell that he holds no ill feeling towards me. This time is just different. Instead of looking at me in disgust whenever our eyes meet, he looks... lost.

I have tried talking to him, but it's obvious that he doesn't want to talk. The only times I see him nowadays are during meetings and meals, and every time each one ends, Ulquiorra leaves the room immediately before I can catch up. Even trying to strike a conversation with him during meals has proven fruitless. He always either answers with a curt nod or with one word answers, his eyes never quite meeting mine. I have been trying to get to talk to him alone, and asking him about his behaviour during meals is out of the question. Aizen may encourage conversation between fellow Espadas, but Ulquiorra appreciates his private life to stay the way it is. Private.

Besides, it's obvious that Ulquiorra is just not ready to talk.

The other Espadas must have noticed the tension between Ulquiorra and I because they have been throwing looks our way whenever we are faced with each other. No doubt Nnoitra did not help much in the matter of shutting his mouth about us. The bastard has been giving us lecherous looks, a grin stretching across his face.

Either Ulquiorra has not noticed the attention that we're receiving or he's determined to give Aizen's speech his full attention.

Like Ulquiorra, I direct my gaze up at the brown haired shinigami sitting at the head of the table.

Although Aizen is glad that we have not lost our Cuarta Espada, he is still angry with our crappy performance when the Ryoka broke into Las Noches. A smile may adorn his face, but anyone can tell that behind that smile is anger. We're just lucky that he has not decided to roast our behinds and give them to Yammy to eat.

Emerald eyes hold a slightly glazed over look. Even Ulquiorra who usually pays rapt attention to every word that comes out of that nutbag's mouth, is bored. So when Aizen finally shuts his trap and motions for everyone to leave, everyone immediately rises from their seats. Well, everyone except Starrk. The dude has fallen asleep.

Ulquiorra pushes his seat back as he stands up, eager to get the hell out of the room when Aizen suddenly speaks.

"Ulquiorra, I'd like to have a word with you." Brown eyes flick over to me. "You may leave, Grimmjow," he says pointedly, his hand gripping Ulquiorra's shoulder. "I'd like to speak to Ulquiorra alone."

"Fine," I grit through my teeth.

"Trouble in paradise?" a familiar voice says as soon as I walk out of the Meeting Hall.

I glare at him. "None of your fucking business."

"Ohhh... Must have been a huge fight, huh?" Nnoitra grins from where he leaned against the wall again.

Nnoitra would look so much better after my fist connects with his face. Seriously. But then Ulquiorra's words returned to me, forcing me to reconsider;

"_You should respect your superiors, Sexta. Even if it is Nnoitra," Ulquiorra comments easily._

"We didn't have a fight," I answer stiffly. Damn it, why did I make myself promise to follow his words?

"Oh?" Nnoitra perks up at this piece of information. He looks into the hall where Aizen is still talking to Ulquiorra. He leers at Ulquiorra's ass shamelessly and licks his lips. "Are you saying that that piece of ass is free?"

"_You should respect your superiors, Sexta. Even if it is Nnoitra," Ulquiorra comments easily._

Respect my superiors? Fuck that shit.

"Fuck you!" I grab the front of Jiruga's uniform, pulling him down till we are eye to eye. It pisses me off hearing him talk about Ulquiorra as though he is a mere object to be used and thrown away. "Don't you dare talk about Ulquiorra that way!"

"Why not?" Nnoitra challenges. "It's not like he treats you all that great. You're like his fucking bitch."

I tighten my hold on him.

"What did you just say?" I breathe.

A smirk. "Want me to repeat that?"

"..."

"You, Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez, are Ulquiorra Cifer's bitch. A bitch that goes down on his knees when told to. Who moans like a whore when taken from behind. A bitch who just begs for more even though you get tossed to the side when it's all over and done with."

His words stung. All I can do is stare up at him in shock.

"All for what? Love? You're an arrancar. Hollows don't love. And hoping for a thing like that from someone like Ulquiorra is stupid."

Because his words are all too true. They all hit home. How many times have I given in and let Ulquiorra have his way with me? Too many. How many times have I allowed him to treat me like trash? A lot. Except... Except...

"You're weak, Sexta. Need I say more? Ulquiorra never feels. He's dead."

Ulquiorra _does_ feel.

"Even if he does feel, he won't love someone like you. He's a cold hearted bastard who just doesn't give a fuck." If possible, the smirk on his face widens. "A bastard with a sweet ass that deserves to be fucked till he passes out."

"ASSHOLE!" I slam him against the wall. I'm shaking now, my hand still fisted to the front of the Quinta's uniform. Yes, everything he said is true, but Ulquiorra isn't like that. Not at all. The Quinta is fucking wrong. "You shut up about Ulquiorra. You just shut up. You know nothing about him."

"What's there to know? He ain't that hard to read-"

"What's going on around here?" says a tired voice behind us.

I immediately let go of Nnoitra's uniform and turn around to face the source of the voice. "Starrk?" I say. "What are you doing here?" Meaning, what are you doing awake?

"I just woke up," he yawns, stretching himself. "What're you both arguing about?" Starrk is rubbing sleep away from his eyes, looking like he might just fall back to sleep any second. But what catches my eye is Ulquiorra, who has just come out of the Meeting Hall from his little chat with Aizen. For a few seconds, our eyes meet. The moment our eyes meet it seems as though a connection is formed. It's like the only people that matter right now are us. He opens his mouth, wanting to say something, hesitates, and then closes his mouth, his eyes full of conflicting emotions. He then turns away, breaking the connection before walking in the opposite direction, the coattails of his uniform swaying slightly behind him.

"_Because," he says and then adds quietly that I have to strain my ears to hear, "because I don't want to think that you care."_

"It's nothing. We were just talking," I lie, tearing my eyes away from Ulquiorra's retreating form.

"Sure doesn't sound like you guys were just talking," Starrk says doubtfully, but doesn't press me further.

Most of Nnoitra's words may hold some truth in them, but one thing is for sure:

Things aren't over just yet between Ulquiorra and I.

* * *

It has been a long time since I've been here. Things have been so hectic at Las Noches lately what with us preparing for the upcoming war that I haven't had the chance to take a walk here. The Hueco Mundo desert looks the same as ever. Just endless white sand. But somehow, I like it this way. Even though it reminds me of the time I used to be a mere adjunchas craving for power, it also reminds me of a simpler time when I had more freedom. No Aizen to order me around. I didn't have to obey anyone. Nor did I have to worship anyone as though he is my God. I didn't have to follow the orders of an obviously delusional man. I was free. I was just... Grimmjow. Plain and simple.

And this is also the place where I met Ulquiorra for the first time.

The wind blows slightly, kicking up the sand beneath my feet around me. A couple of hollows in the form of lizards crawl around, looking up at me strangely before scuttling away. They don't see arrancars around often. And when they do, they immediately find some place safe to hide.

"Yeah, that's right, piss off," I grumble moodily.

I look around my surroundings, sapphire eyes scanning over the dunes of endless white sand. As always, it is night, the moon a weak source of light. A couple of trees made out of quartz dot the area. Aside from us Hollows, there is no sign of life here in Hueco Mundo at all. I let out a breath that I have been holding in. I can still remember the times when I used to hunt other Hollows with my fraccions. That was all there was to life at the time. Hunt, kill, and get stronger. And now, I've got my wish. But still, I'm still trying to get stronger.

I walk around aimlessly, not really having a particular destination in mind. Walking around here relaxes me. Being away from Las Noches helps me think and forget my worries. I bite my bottom lip, my thoughts wandering back to a certain raven haired arrancar.

It has been said that Hollows cannot love because we don't have a heart. And that because of that, we consume the soul of others to fill that void. But is that really true? Love is pretty much unheard of amongst Hollows. Even amongst us arrancars. The only times that I have seen love is whenever I go to the human world and see couples spending time together. But I know, I know that I do love Ulquiorra. Despite all odds of it being impossible for a Hollow to love, I know that I love him.

I stop walking when I catch sight of a white figure standing on one of the sand dunes, looking up at the moon, his hands in his pockets. I recognise the figure immediately. Seeing him here, of all people, startles me. As far as I know, I'm probably one of the few arrancars that even bother coming here without being told to by Aizen. He looks especially beautiful, the weak light from the moon shining upon him, his emerald eyes large and pensive. He looks... vulnerable.

"Jaegerjaquez," he says, not even bothering to look over his shoulder, "I know that you are there."

I chuckle. Nothing ever escapes him, huh?

I walk up to him until I am right by his side. He is still gazing at the moon, looking lost. Seeing that he doesn't seem to want to talk at the moment, I stay silent and leave him to his own thoughts. After what seems like an eternity, he starts to speak, his voice low, "When Aizen-sama asked me to find Hollows of adjunchas level, I did what I was told." He looks down at his feet and takes a deep breath. I just listen and wait for him to continue. "But when he allowed an arrancar of adjunchas level join the ranks of the Espada, I was against it. I thought that those at that level are not worthy of such a rank. I hated you," he admits. And there is not a hint of a lie in his voice.

"..."

"But at the same time, you fascinated me. You were always open with your feelings and you acted on them. And you never gave up on becoming stronger. You were different from the rest. So I approached you..." he trails off. He doesn't need to elaborate more on the subject since we both know what happened. "I'm a flawed being, Sexta, no matter how much I try to act otherwise." He sighs, closing his eyes before turning to face me, his hands clenching and unclenching at his sides. When I open my mouth to speak, he holds his hand in front of my face, telling me to let him speak. "I have been thinking about this for some time now..." he says, referring to the time he has been avoiding me, "And I know that I'm wrong. I have not been treating you fairly, Jaegerjaquez. You do not deserve the treatment that I've been giving you." He struggles with his words. It must have taken a lot for him to admit this, but he's trying, determined to say everything that's on his mind. "And for that, I apologise."

What can I say? I'm speechless. "Ulquiorra... I..."

He shakes his head. "No. Don't even try. I know when I'm wrong. Trying to say otherwise is useless when we both know that it is true." He lets out a shuddering breath. "Do you believe in love?"

"What?" I say, startled.

"Do you believe in love?" Ulquiorra repeats. "Do you think that it exists? That us Hollows can love?" He holds my gaze, his eyes wide, the windows to his soul that show me his inner conflict. A part of him wants him to believe that it does exist for us Hollows. Another part of him knows the saying that it's impossible for Hollows to love. After all, he himself once told me that very same thing.

_Ulquiorra stares down at me as I try to stand up. He frowns at me and says, his voice condescending, "To show, to have emotions is to show weakness." He pauses. "Hollows cannot love. Remember that, Sexta."_

It is then that I finally understand.

"_Grimmjow, this might sound strange, but Ulquiorra obviously cares about you." He walks back towards the door, giving me a small wave, ignoring the bewildered look on my face. "He just doesn't know how to show it."_

Ulquiorra is just as vulnerable as I am. As an arrancar of Aizen's army, he is expected to be nothing more than a warrior. And since he's a Hollow, he is expected to not show any emotion other than the ruthless nature of a Hollow. He knows of the saying that Hollows are not capable of love, but something tells him that this is not true. But he doesn't know whether to believe something that he has known his whole life or the feeling that tells him otherwise.

"Yeah, I do." I clear my throat. "I think it exists. And that it's possible for Hollows to love."

"How do you know?" he presses.

"I just do. I can feel it. Right here." I press the palm of my hand over my heart.

Ulquiorra looks crestfallen. He lifts his hand to his Hollow hole, touching the edges lightly. "I don't have a heart."

I take his hand away from his Hollow hole. "Just because you don't have one doesn't mean that you can't love."

He furrows his eyebrows in confusion. "Isn't the heart the source of emotions?"

I shake my head. "The heart is just an organ. Emotions come from us. From our very souls. Everyone can love." He stares at our intertwined hands, his eyebrows knitted together, trying to understand. Seeing his confusion, I continue, "When you love someone, you feel pain whenever they're hurt. You want them to be happy. You want to protect them. You care about them. That's love. Have you ever felt like that, Ulquiorra?"

Ulquiorra lifts his eyes and looks at me. "Yes, I have, but I still don't understand it," he says slowly, "It's still something that I'm not familiar with. And I'm not sure if I ever will understand."

"You will. I know you will."

He smiles slightly at that. It's not a happy smile, though. It's a smile that has a hint of sadness to it. "I'm a Hollow. By nature, we are ruthless, and I am no different. Even if I do feel love or any sort of emotion, I don't know how to express them." A pause. "Such an act is unheard of amongst Hollows."

He falls silent then, not wanting to pursue the subject anymore.

"Ulquiorra," I say.

He looks at me questioningly.

"Why are you here?" I ask. At the look on his face, I explain, "I've never seen you out here before. I don't always see arrancars around here."

Another smile. "You're not the only one that comes here to think." He directs his gaze at the night sky, hesitates, and then answers, "I come here because this is where we first met."

He remembers.

My heart in my throat, I tighten my hold on his hand, making him look at me. "Do you really mean that?" I ask, my heart beating fast.

"Yes." And with that answer, he intertwines his fingers with mine. "I really mean that."

* * *

I hold Ulquiorra's hand as I watch him sleep. This time, this time he was not rough. This time, he was gentle. The only thing that is covering our naked bodies as we lay on his bed is the bed sheet. His hand is resting on my hip in a protective way, pulling me close. His flesh is no longer cold, I notice. He's warm. Raven hair falls across his closed eyes, his breathing calm and even. He looks so peaceful and happy. Something that I don't get to see very often. Seeing those tear tracks running down his face, I understand why they are there. Ulquiorra has always felt despair and was consumed by these feelings that he could no longer recognise the positive ones. He is slowly getting out of that, but it will take time. And when that happens, these tear tracks will no longer hold any meaning of his despair.

Mesmerised, I trace the contours of his face, a smile spreading across my face. I can hardly believe it. We're back together again. And this time, it's not a relationship based on lies and hatred. This is... I brush raven hair out of his eyes so that I can see his face more clearly... This is right.

Emerald eyes flutter open. Ulquiorra looks up at me tiredly. "Not sleeping?" he says.

We have decided to start everything all over again. This was the first time we've had sex after so long. We've decided to take things slow, but it's worth it. Getting to know each other before entering this stage of our relationship again has certainly helped. Damn, I sound like a chick, but damn it, it's true. And even though this is not perfect as he is still struggling with dealing with emotions, we are getting there. He's still cold sometimes and is unable to understand feelings, but he's trying. And that's what's important.

I shake my head. "No," I answer. "I was just thinking."

"Really?" he says, interested. "About what?"

"Us," I answer simply.

"And?"

"And I think you look cute when you sleep," I tease.

A most adorable blush spreads across his pale cheeks. "Don't be ridiculous, Grimmjow." He frowns when he sees me smiling. "Why are you smiling?"

If possible, the smile on my face widens. "You called me by my name."

He furrows his eyebrows. "Haven't I always called you by your name?"

"No," I answer. "It's always either Jaegerjaquez or Sexta. But never Grimmjow."

"I see." He plays with my fingers absentmindedly. "I've never noticed that."

"So..." I say casually as I climb on top of him, my hands on either side of his head. He looks up at me curiously, wondering what I am up to. I grin and nip at his neck playfully. "Does this mean you'll let me top sometimes?"

Another blush. This time, it's an even darker shade of pink.

"Don't push your luck, Grimmjow," he grumbles. Even as he says it, his breaths quicken as I set to work on his neck, sucking and biting, renewing an old love bite that I gave him before. He screws his eyes shut, curling his fingers into my teal hair. Placing a kiss on the now pink skin on his neck as though apologising for marring that perfect skin, I kiss a trail of kisses up his neck and along his jaw till I reach his mouth.

"Grimmjow..." he whispers, dragging his hands down to rest them on my hips.

"Shh..." I close the distance between our lips, effectively silencing him, tracing his lips with my own and licking his bottom lip, asking for permission to grant me entrance. He opens his mouth and I explore his wet cavern, our tongues moving against another's sensually. The air becomes heated, the feeling of skin meeting skin overwhelming. He tightens his grip on my hips before flipping us over, his mouth now busy sucking on my neck.

Oh, God. That feels so good. I screw my eyes shut at the sensation of having his mouth on me and moan from the sheer pleasure it brings, my fingers now curled in raven hair.

Yes, this is right. No more lies, no more hate. This time, it's just us as the way we are. And I have a feeling that things will only get better from now on. Our relationship is not perfect, but we're getting there. And when we do, we'll be there to hold each other's hands till the very end.

**-THE END-**


End file.
